How to Convince Your Relative to Accept Help

9/16/2012

For many family members getting an older adult to accept assistance can be met with many barriers. Whether trying to assist with managing finances, implementing home safety measures or arranging for home care, chances are your relative will resist; This especially holds true if your loved one has great pride in being independent.

Below are a few recommendations you may want to consider to increase the chances your loved one will accept the services you know they need:

Pull at the Heart Strings
One technique I often suggest to family members, especially adult children, is to "pull at the heart strings" of your relative. Many older adults will refuse assistance for a variety of reasons but in some cases upon hearing how stressed and worried you are about them, they generally concede so as to not be burden to you. Often a conversation about how stressed you are with trying to manage everything, along with suggestions of services that can ease your troubles, may allow your relative to see things from a different perspective and hopefully agree to the assistance you are suggesting.

Make it About You
One of the worse things you can do is to tell an older adult how THEY are no longer capable of taking care of themselves. Besides being confronted by denial, you may also be accused of being "dramatic", "interfering", or "crazy." Focus instead on how you are arranging for "x" service in order to alleviate some of YOUR own responsibilities. Explaining how some of the physical chores you are doing is straining on your "bad back" or that the amount of time you are taking off from work for doctor's visits is causing trouble with your boss may lead to your relative to agree with your proposal.

Offer a Trial Period
Much like with anything, most of us like the idea of being able to try something first before we fully commit to it. Explain to your loved one how the service you are proposing is something that can easily be cancelled should they not like it. By doing so, they will know they have the final say, which can make the idea of accepting help easier to swallow. It has been my experience that once a good service is in place older adults will see the benefit and stick with it.

Lastly, remember that many older adults despise the thought of receiving assistance because it basically is a blow to the ego and also signifies the inability to tend to their own needs. Understanding where they are coming from, what makes them feel useful and their past history at gaining independence can provide you with additional insight about how best to implement the above recommendations.

Have you had any success with the suggestions made above? Do you have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to share them below.

12 Comments

Christine M. Valentin

As a licensed clinical social worker, I help individuals caring for a loved one reduce feelings of anxiety, depression and stress. This blog is meant to share with you, many of the suggestions I recommend to many family caregivers. Sign up to receive them directly.

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Dr. M. Chris Wolf link

9/16/2012 01:32:42 pm

Christine's article provides an excellent summary of the pitfalls associated with encouraging our loved ones that the time has come to accept help. This is a scary time for them and for us as they are giving up some of the independence that they have enjoyed. Her suggests are excellent. At one level we are all INTERdependent.

Dr. Chris

Christine M. Valentin link

9/16/2012 03:09:04 pm

Dr. Chris,
Thank you for your compliments. I really appreciate it and hope it can be helpful to many family members who find themselves in such a situation.

Christine

Jania

9/16/2012 02:19:51 pm

One of the difficulties I encounter, and would be interested how others experience this too, is that the ill person often fakes good with medical professionals. So that is something happens and the primary caregiver is at work or otherwise not present, then the medical folks instruct the ill person and nothing happens until much later that day or evening. Then the caregiver has a small to large crisis. Would be interested in how others handle this. Some of it is a patriarchy problem, in that medical professionals presume that a male patient is competent and don't want to bother the female caregiver. Comments?

9/16/2012 03:20:24 pm

Hi Jania,

While I can't attest to whether medical professionals are patriarchal, what I can say is that medical professionals often go off of what their patients tell them. In other words, I've been witness to older adults, especially of certain cultural backgrounds, who will either 1) not want to bother the doctor with "complaints" or 2) don't realize that certain symptoms are important and should be discussed. In many cases, doctors during a routine checkup will ask how a patient is feeling. If the patient says "fine" and doesn't talk about the pain he/she has been feeling in their chest or the fact that he/she has been more forgetful lately, then it is hard for the doctor to work on a problem that the patient doesn't complain about - unless of course it is extremely apparent.

One of the recommendations I make, especially in cases where an older adult has dementia, is for the primary caregiver or the family member most involved to speak with the doctor directly about signs, symptoms and behaviors you are noticing with your loved one. This often helps get everyone on the same page.

Hope that makes sense.

Christine

9/19/2012 05:51:09 am

I agree with what you replied Christine. The only thing I might add is that the primary caregiver or closest family member(s) should not speak to the doctor in front of the patient in all cases.

My mother, who has Alzheimers, got very upset and angry when we told the doctor about her escalating problems. This created a scene and fuss that was not needed and it took quite awhile for her to calm down. In cases of dementia or Alzheimers I suggest speaking with the doctor privately to avoid this.

Kristine link

9/20/2012 11:25:06 am

Hi Christine

I enjoyed reading your blog and the ongoing discussion.

I agree with the above and have found that tact, as mentioned, by discussing with the doctor privately, any concerns, is the most effective and least 'intrusive' for our elders.

We have a health assessment in Australia, prior to approval for any in home or residential aged care home assistance and there are numerous cases where (if let to the individual's self assessment with the professional) the result is often - 'Mum can't do that'; 'Dad can't still do this' once the family members see the result. In these cases we 'suggest' that someone is with their loved one at this assessment, to have a quiet word with the health professional after the interaction with the client, in order to produce a more accurate assessment of the health needs.

As has been rightly highlighted - loss of independence is a confronting issue and just because we age, does not mean we feel that any less capacity, especially when couched with additional issues that accompany the aging process.

Thanks for the interesting blog topic.

Kristine

9/20/2012 11:55:24 am

Hi BC and Kristine,
Thank you for your feedback! I definitely agree that a private conversation should be had with your loved one's physician, especially if you believe your parent will deny what you say. The last thing you want to do have your parent accuse you of lying and no longer allow you to participate in their healthcare.

donna harris link

9/23/2012 01:18:04 pm

I have a cousin in her 80's with early dementia. Her daughter finally after struggling convinced her to move in with the family so she wouldn't be alone. They get along good but my elderly cousin keeps telling everyone else she is not happy there and wants to move. She has only been there 2 weeks. Her daughter and husband moved out of their master bedroom so my cuz could have it along with a private bath. They have made extreme sacrifices to make it comfortable for her mother. I suggested to tell her mom to give it to spring and then they can discuss it. Hopefully she will be settled. Another issue is she sits at the kitchen table ALL day. I told her daughter to let her sit. She still feels like a visitor and given time she will get up and move when she is ready but for the daughter to go on with her daily tasks and routine. Did I give her OK advice or does anyone have any other suggestions. Thank you.

9/23/2012 01:42:55 pm

Hi Ms. Harris,

Sounds like the advice you provide is good. Since your cousin has dementia and it has only been two weeks, giving her time to adjust is one of the greatest things they can do for her right now. Depending on how forgetful or confused she is, your cousin could be experiencing a lot of mixed reactions and emotions, some of which will reside after some time has passed. How much? No one can truly say. It depends on a variety of factors, including the type of dementia and the stage she is in. I would encourage the family to re-visit the issue after another two-three weeks and see how your cousin feels and whether her routine has changed. Hope that helps! Good luck.

Christine

Kate Daigle, MA, LPC link

10/29/2012 07:32:52 am

Christine, you have touched on a deeply sensitive and crucial topic in our lives. I've noticed how shifts in "roles" that my clients embody can cause distress and confusion for them and their loved ones. Moving from child to adult and having to make decisions for a parent or loved one bring unique challenges and tough decisions. Thank you for shedding light and offering resources on this topic! I will certainly share this with clients and others.
Best, Kate Daigle, MA, LPC

10/29/2012 07:43:48 am

Hi Kate,

Thank you for commenting and for sharing it with your clients. There is no doubt that at some point most of us have to change our roles, especially when it concerns our aging parents or relatives. It is my hope this blog will do as you mentioned, shed some light.

Thanks again!

Tamara G. Suttle, M.Ed., LPC link

11/19/2012 03:58:37 am

Christine, such a helpful article! I appreciate the discussion and the emphasis on needing time for those with dementia to adjust and get setteled!

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How to Convince Your Relative to Accept Help

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