Christine M. Valentin, LCSW, LLC
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How Could I Have Said That? 

7/15/2020

6 Comments

 
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If you are a family caregiver, then you've probably had a moment or two where you felt so frustrated that it caused you to say or do something to your loved one that you later regretted. Such regret can usually cause us to feel like the "worse partner, sibling or child in the world." It may also result in you questioning, "How could I have said that?" If any of this sounds familiar, then you should know it can be typical among many individuals who are caring for a loved one, especially if they live together. Aside from knowing you are not alone, you should also know there are steps you can take to reduce your level of frustration and prevent future outbursts. 

Understand Where Your Loved One is Coming From
The reality that we need to rely on others for things we were once been able to do for ourselves, is something that many people struggle with. There is a grief associated with that particular loss and everyone handles it differently. Whether our strength and/or our senses are diminishing, at some point needing assistance seems inevitable. For many individuals, this need for assistance is synonymous with losing other freedoms like living alone, running errands, etc.  Understanding how your loved one is processing this change and how it can affect his/her well-being may give you a better sense of the reasons for their "frustrating" behavior. 

Remind Yourself of What Their Day Looks Like 
For the most part, individuals who need assistance may not be as active as they used to be, which could mean their level of socialization or even the way they are socializing has changed. As a result, it is not uncommon to be bombarded with all of their thoughts, complaints or critiques upon interacting with them and for you to become frustrated as a result. One way you can try to minimize being bombarded is to find ways your loved one can be more engaged with others. Nowadays, due to the pandemic, many more individuals have been "forced" to venture into the online world. Virtual gatherings are increasingly being offered. Look into organizations related to your loved one´s hobbies and be sure to check out your local libraries. 

Recognize Your Limitations
Understanding what your buttons are and what sets you off is key to understanding when you need a break. Yes, I know - a break is almost impossible to take when you are a caregiver. A break, however, can include anything from going to the restroom for a few minutes, calling someone to vent, to going out for a walk around the block a few times. Whenever we become "heated", being able to take a "time out" is essential to maintaining our composure. Other activities that can probably assist with reducing your frustration can be singing, dancing, coloring, doodling, writing and even squeezing a stress ball. Cold water can also help to regulate the body as well. Overall, the goal should be to mentally or emotionally get to a place where you will not do or say something you will later regret. 

Seek Professional Help
While the above tips can work for some, they don't work for all. Factors like personality issues, past family conflict or resentment towards your loved one can serve as barriers to keeping your cool. Seeking the assistance of a mental health professional can help you dig deeper into an understanding of what sets you off and with developing a plan of action to prevent future outbursts. 

If any of the above tips have worked for  you, I would love to hear your input. Do you have other tips or recommendations you would like to share about "keeping your cool", please share them below. 

6 Comments
Angela Mozelle link
7/11/2012 10:38:59 am

These are terrific tips. I share this and similar information with my caregiver clients. I look forward to more great articles.
www.caregiversneedcaretoo.com
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CareGiversCoach@twitter.com

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Christine M. Valneitn link
7/18/2012 12:37:03 pm

Hi Angela,
Thank you for sharing this information with your caregiver clients. Any and every little bit often makes a big difference.

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Tamara G. Suttle, M.Ed., LPC link
7/17/2012 11:27:24 am

Christine! I'm so glad to find your blog! What a resource-rich and lovely place you have created here! Thank you!

I especially appreciate your nudge to recognize (and own) our own limitations! Several years back, I finally realized that seeing 6 clients in one day was just too much for me. Acceptance of that limitation made a qualitative difference in my experience of my work and a qualitative difference in the care I provide for my clients, too! So . . . I'm curious . . . . What are the limitations that you face and accept in your work?

Reply
Christine M. Valentin link
7/18/2012 12:41:53 pm

Hi Tamara,
I'm glad you like my blog and feel free to share it as you see fit. In terms of what limitations I face, I would have to say it is knowing I can't help everyone, every time. In other words, I am often contacted by caregivers who reach out for some advice/assistance but need so much more, especially when it comes to long-term planning. As much as I try to educate them about things to do/consider they are sometimes not ready and often are not ready until a crisis occurs. That is something I'm still learning to face but have come to accept. Thanks for your contribution.

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Tamara G. Suttle, M.Ed., LPC link
7/18/2012 06:42:09 pm

Oh, Christine! I can so relate to that - accepting that I cannot meet all clients' needs and also being willing to refer them out. Thanks for sharing your limitations! I think that it's so easy for new therapists entering the field to think that they are the only ones who don't know everything, who don't always have all the "right" answers, etc. It's really helpful for all of us, I think, to be open and candid about our limitations. After 30 years in the field, I still have limitations to work through. I expect that to be true until the day I die.

Neil Stern link
6/19/2013 02:49:48 am

What a great article! Thank you

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    Christine M. Valentin 

    As a licensed clinical social worker, I help individuals caring for a loved one reduce feelings of anxiety, depression and stress.  This blog is meant to share with you, many of the suggestions I recommend to many family caregivers. Sign up to receive them directly.

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The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by individuals in search of general information of interest pertaining to caregiving, stress and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.
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