Christine M. Valentin, LCSW, LLC
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Caring for Yourself is Not Selfish

3/6/2014

8 Comments

 
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The more I work with family caregivers, the more I notice the struggles each of them share. Feelings of guilt, resentment and frustration are often experienced. Also common is the belief that taking a break or taking time to tend to one's needs is selfish. The problem with believing this is the ability for it to cause caregiver burnout. In order to prevent family caregivers from becoming overwhelmed, there are a few things I make sure to remind them of and help them incorporate into their daily/weekly routine. A few of those reminders are below: 

1) Caring for yourself is not selfish - Recognizing the importance and the need for self-care is often one of the hardest things for individuals to do, especially if it is believed that by doing so equates to being selfish. What is important to understand is that by giving your "all" to another individual, it most likely means you are not caring for you own personal well-being (i.e. your health), which if unchecked can result in a worse physical and/or mental state than your loved one. While such consequences may not be noticeable at the beginning of your caregiving responsibility, it can get worse as the weeks, months and/or years pass. 
2) Asking for help does not mean you are weak or incapable - A common barrier many family caregivers experience when thinking about asking for help is the belief that by doing so it may be perceived by others (i.e. family members) negatively. Conflict with relatives, cultural norms and/or your loved one's refusal to accept help can impact a caregiver's decision to reach out. Often, education about available resources and counseling is needed to help overcome such concerns. 


3) Making time to do your own things in vital - If there is one thing I make sure to remind my clients about, it is this. Even though you are caring for another adult, it does not negate the fact that you are your own person with your own interests, hobbies and responsibilities. Caring for another individual, undoubtedly, will hamper your ability to engage in various activities. And while you may no longer be able to schedule a weekend getaway, it doesn't mean time for yourself shouldn't be arranged. Whether it is finding time for coffee/drinks with some friends, a few hours to watch a movie or going for a nearby stroll, the goal is to allow allow yourself some time to "recharge" and temporarily "escape" from the situation. 

While I recognize the above suggestions are "easier said than done," they are being said with the purpose of, at least, serving as a reminder of how important you and your health is to providing the best care to your loved one and ultimately yourself. 

Have you found a way to ease your caregiving responsibilities? How do you regain the strength you need to continue caring for your loved one? If so, please share your thoughts below. 


8 Comments
Ron Redmond link
3/6/2014 07:24:18 am

True stuff. Great succint post that gets an important point across. I always try to explain to folks that it's like when they say, if the oxygen masks pop down in an airplane, to put the mask on yourself first, and then your child. If you don't then you could be hurting yourself and your child.
If you don't take care of yourself, you could be hurting yourself and the loved one your are caring for without meaning to.
Thanks Christine!

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Christine M. Valentin link
3/7/2014 01:01:16 am

Hi Ron,
Thank you for commenting. I definitely love your analogy and will be sure to relay it to some of the clients I work with. Have a great day.

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Sharon Dickol link
3/10/2014 04:53:05 am

Great post! It cannot be said often enough, caregivers who don't take care of themselves first may be placing themselves and their care receiver at risk. When working with older adults, no care plan is complete unless support for the primary caregiver is included. Thanks for sharing!

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Christine M. Valentin link
3/10/2014 04:59:25 am

Hi Sharon,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are right about caregivers putting themselves and their loved one at risk. Hopefully more awareness about caregiver burnout and normalization of their feelings will help facilitate self-care. Thanks again!

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Paul Turner link
3/10/2014 07:40:05 am

During the 2-year period I was living with my parents and helping with the care of my father, my mom hired a caregiver so that she(my mom)and I could BOTH "care" for ourselves from time to time. These "respite" periods for us were vital. We knew we were not "selfish" as we knew my Dad was in great hands with the caregiver, and HE knew we would be back for him when our respite times were up. Excellent blog, Christine.

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Christine M. Valentin link
3/10/2014 01:23:25 pm

Hi Paul,
Thank you for relaying how respite helped your family. I'm glad to hear your father understood the need for you and your mother to take a break every so often. I often hear from families the fear and/or worry they have regarding having a "stranger" care for their loved one. It often isn't until the step is taken that the family realizes the benefit for all. Thanks again!

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Anne - Marie
3/11/2014 07:15:11 am

You are so true.
They must practice self-discipline and realise they are just as fragile.
Nobody is irreplaceable and will just be replaced if they can't give proper care anymore.
If you do not care for yourself, how can you take good care of others ?
Caregiving is one of the toughest careers and need strong people.
You owe it to yourself, LISTEN to your body when it asks for TLC.

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Cathy L. Bacinelli
3/13/2014 07:30:51 am

Christine-

Very well put comments. The one thing I always tell my families is "you're not doing your loved one any good if you get sick". That usually gives them pause long enough for me to explain it is okay to take a break and accepting help is NOT a sign of weakness. I encourage them to take advantage of our volunteer program and go enjoy themselves for an hour or so.

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    Christine M. Valentin 

    As a licensed clinical social worker, I help individuals caring for a loved one reduce feelings of anxiety, depression and stress.  This blog is meant to share with you, many of the suggestions I recommend to many family caregivers. Sign up to receive them directly.

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The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by individuals in search of general information of interest pertaining to caregiving, stress and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.
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