As the New Year begins and individuals return to their pre-holiday routines, some individuals find themselves with a new set of responsibilities. Having spent the holiday season reuniting with family and friends,there are usually a group of individuals who come to the realization that "Mom is not as well as she claimed to be," or "Dad seems a lot more forgetful than he lead on." Such occurrences will often leave a family member concerned, worried and unsure how to proceed. Below are a few recommendations on possible paths to take when dealing with such a situation. Talk with your loved one Try to discuss your concerns with the person you are worried about. You may want to start a discussion by saying something like "Mom, is everything okay? I've noticed that you seem a bit more _______ (stressed, on edge, unlike yourself, etc.)" If possible try to refrain from using negative words like "short-tempered, confused, forgetful,or paranoid as it can result in a defensive response. Should you be confronted with a negative response, then it may be best to back off and save the discussion for another time. Attend a Doctor's appointment If your loved one acknowledges a problem, you should inquire about any upcoming doctor's appointments. If one has already been scheduled, offer to go as a means of support and as an extra set of ears. Two people are generally better than one in terms of remembering information relayed by a medical professional. Be sure to bring along a notebook and pen to write down important information like diagnosis, plan of care, and treatment options. Research and Educate If a diagnosis is issued, take the information home with you and do some research. The more you learn about an illness or disease the better prepared you can be for any potential medical and behavioral issues that can arise. Knowing what you are up against can also help in making long-term care decisions. Last but not least, share what you have learned with your loved one, family and any other involved individuals. Doing so can help get everyone on the same page and hopefully pitch in when necessary. Now, what if your loved one denies anything being wrong but there is clearly something going on? Below are a few steps to consider that may or may not work, but have proven to be worthwhile for some families. Talk with friends, neighbors and/or other relatives If you are unable to talk with your loved one directly, you may wish to try bringing up your concern with individuals who interact with your loved one on a frequent basis. This can be another relative, a close friend or even a neighbor. While it is understandable you may not want to divulge anything about your loved one's well-being, a simple statement to a neighbor like "Hi Dorothy! Mom told me you came over the other day for coffee. I'm so glad you are able to stop by once in a while. Since you are so close with her, I'm wondering if it would be alright to give you my number in case you need to get in contact with me. I know Mom has been having a little difficulty lately so in case you notice anything, feel free to give me a call." This type of conversation, modified to your level of comfort of course, may open the door of communication between you and your mother's friend and provide you with further insight regarding your mother's situation. Reach out to your loved one's physician Relaying your concern to your loved one's physician may be beneficial to you and the physician. For some families, especially those who have had the same doctor for numerous years, they may be able to directly express their concern and discuss options. Be aware, however, that due to confidentiality regulations many physicians will not divulge any information regarding his/her patient's care. If a direct conversation with your loved one's physician is not possible, consider writing a letter explaining your reason for such contact, what you are noticing about your loved one and why you are concerned. At the very least, you will be notifying the physician and hopefully contributing to a more thorough evaluation. Plan an Unannounced Visit An unexpected visit can be a great way of obtaining a glimpse of what is going on when you’re not around. Understanding your loved one's daily routine like the activities they conduct throughout the day, how long they sleep, and how often they take their medications can prove helpful and may explain any “strange” behaviors you are noticing. If visiting is not an option, daily phone calls can provide a bit more insight than a weekly phone call. During these calls, the goal should be to get a clearer picture of what their daily routine consists of. Ask open-ended questions like: “What did you do today?”, “What did you have for lunch?” or “Do you have anything planned for this week?” By doing so, you are allowing room for more of a discussion which can lead to a better understanding of your relative's well-being. Hopefully, the suggestions above will prove helpful to you. Do you have other recommendations or suggestions you believe would help someone who is concerned about a loved one? Please share them below.
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There is no denying that the holidays bring on additional stress for family caregivers. Whether hosting a family dinner or traveling to one, it is not uncommon for family caregivers to experience additional feelings of anxiety and/or apprehension as they begin to juggle the added responsibility of hosting, cooking, traveling and/or catering to family and friends during the holiday season. Below are a few suggestions that may help reduce the stress associated with this time of year: Recognize your limitations Being a caregiver to your loved one is often a full-time job that does not come with any breaks. For those relatives or friends who are not aware of your 24/7 responsibility, it is important to set limits and be specific about what you can and cannot manage. Being asked to host the holiday dinner, make the majority of food and/or coordinate the gathering may be things you've done willingly in the past but if you are now a caregiver, it is crucial you understand how adding more tasks to your "to do" list may cause more stress on your well-being. Recognizing when you are exhausted, overwhelmed and need a break are key to not taking on more than you can handle. Reach out for help Many family caregivers are either too proud to ask for assistance or feel it is their obligation to shoulder all the caregiving responsibilities on their own. Asking a relative or friend to lend a hand during the holidays, or any other time of the year, can alleviate some of the stress associated with caregiving. If you do not have a relative or friend you feel you can rely on, there may be services available to family caregivers within the community; all it takes is you reaching out and asking for help. Allow yourself to feel…. Angry. Annoyed. Frustrated. Resentful; the list can be as long as you need. These feelings are normal and can also be accompanied by feelings of guilt. Being a caregiver is often a role that falls in our laps with little preparation and a whole lot of expectation. As we think of our future and proceed through the course of life, we generally envision ourselves establishing a career, taking care of our children and retiring to a peaceful, relaxing place. Having to care for a parent with a memory impairment like Alzheimer's disease or for a spouse with a terminal illness is generally not included in that equation. The truth is, however, life is unpredictable and in order to minimize our stress levels we have to accept that we are not superheros and must be open to receiving help. Part of that adjustment process is to allow our emotions to flow out of us and not hold it in. It also means obtaining support from friends, relatives or licensed professionals. This is often the only way to get through the journey of caregiving. How do you manage caring for a loved one and the Holiday season? Please share your thoughts and questions below. Are you concerned about an older adult, spouse or significant other? Are your days filled with scheduling doctor appointments, helping your loved one pay his/her bills, going to the pharmacy to pick up medication(s), managing household chores they were once able to manage.? How about visiting or calling your loved one more than usual just to ensure they are doing okay? If you answered yes to any of the above, then you are a Family Caregiver and you are not alone. Family caregivers are all around us. They are most likely your neighbor, boss, child's school teacher, your doctor and even the person sitting next to you at your local coffee shop or while riding public transportation. With as many as 65.7 million caregivers providing care to an ill, disabled or aged individual,* the sad reality is that it is rarely discussed, thus not recognized by each of us as much as it should be. Another sad reality is that many people do not identify him/herself as a family caregiver. Why? Because some individuals view the care they provide as what any other daughter, son, wife or husband would do, i.e. fulfilling their familial duties. By not identifying as a family caregiver, however, many individuals are hindering the chance to learn about programs and services that are available specifically for family caregivers. Programs like educational workshops, local support groups, and services like home care and transportation are just a few of the resources family caregivers can tap into to help ease the stress that often accompanies caring for a loved one. So, what should you do if you do find yourself caring for a loved one? First, accept your role as a family caregiver and begin identifying yourself and one not feeling any shame in doing so. Yes, it is a term/label many of us would not like to utilize but it is one that can open the door to many resources. What do you think about identifying as a family caregiver? Please share your thoughts below including how the term, if applicable, has helped your caregiving journey. * According to The National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP (2009), Caregiving in the U.S. National Alliance for Caregiving. Washington, DC.] - Updated: November 2012 For some family caregivers, finding themselves in the crossroads of caring for a parent and a partner can exacerbate the caregiving experience to a level that many others are unable to comprehend. Aside from learning how to manage and cope with a parent's illness, having to deal with a partner's health concerns can cause a caregiver to feel even more isolated, depressed, anxious, etc., especially if their partner is the person they regularly turned to for emotional support and comfort. Managing, coping and maintaining are all ideas that can seem so foreign during this period but learning new strategies and continuing to utilize strategies that have worked is crucial. Below are a few strategies that often proved beneficial to family caregivers I've worked with... 1) Prioritize - part of being able to get through this difficult time is being able to identify what needs to come first, what can come second and what can be delegated to someone else. Without doing so, a caregiver's world can suddenly seem as if it is crashing down all at the same time. Begin by identifying which days of the week are critical for you to be with your parent vs. your partner, and identifying which tasks need to be handled by you vs. handled by other individuals. Doing so can help maximize the quality time you have with your loved ones as opposed to spending it doing things that impede on that time (i.e. going to the pharmacy, grocery store, etc.) 2) Recognize Your Limitations - It is okay if you can't do it all because chances are, you can't! Asking for help, taking a break and accepting the fact that you are not a superhero are some of the challenges many family caregivers struggle with. This is generally the case when family and/or societal pressures are causing them to feel otherwise. After identifying some of the responsibilities you have, which you would love for someone else to do, the next step is to identify any individuals and resources that can help with those tasks and ask them. While it may at first seem like there is nothing/no one that can help, don't be so quick to say, I have no one. While you may have no one in your immediate family/social circle, don't discount the help you may be able to receive from your neighbors, local religious organizations and community agencies. Many family caregivers I've worked with are often surprised at how much is actually out there and in many cases often find out about the services after the fact. 3) Eat Well, Sleep Well and Cherish the Little Moments - There is a lot to be said about the power of good sleep, healthy eating and being appreciative. The amount of energy you exert in any given day to care for someone else is energy that has to be restored. Without tapping in to regenerating sources like sleep, nutrition and positivity, you are losing energy and will end up running on low. Thus, ultimately impacting how much you can physically and emotionally give to caring for your loved ones. While there are many techniques that can be utilized to enhance sleeping and eating habits, the first step is to acknowledge their importance and be proactive about incorporating it in to your routine. The same holds true for appreciating the positive things in your life, no matter how small. Are you caring for a parent and a partner? How are you managing? Please share any insight or questions you have below. I welcome your questions. The more I work with family caregivers, the more I notice the struggles each of them share. Feelings of guilt, resentment and frustration are often experienced. Also common is the belief that taking a break or taking time to tend to one's needs is selfish. The problem with believing this is the ability for it to cause caregiver burnout. In order to prevent family caregivers from becoming overwhelmed, there are a few things I make sure to remind them of and help them incorporate into their daily/weekly routine. A few of those reminders are below: 1) Caring for yourself is not selfish - Recognizing the importance and the need for self-care is often one of the hardest things for individuals to do, especially if it is believed that by doing so equates to being selfish. What is important to understand is that by giving your "all" to another individual, it most likely means you are not caring for you own personal well-being (i.e. your health), which if unchecked can result in a worse physical and/or mental state than your loved one. While such consequences may not be noticeable at the beginning of your caregiving responsibility, it can get worse as the weeks, months and/or years pass. 2) Asking for help does not mean you are weak or incapable - A common barrier many family caregivers experience when thinking about asking for help is the belief that by doing so it may be perceived by others (i.e. family members) negatively. Conflict with relatives, cultural norms and/or your loved one's refusal to accept help can impact a caregiver's decision to reach out. Often, education about available resources and counseling is needed to help overcome such concerns. 3) Making time to do your own things in vital - If there is one thing I make sure to remind my clients about, it is this. Even though you are caring for another adult, it does not negate the fact that you are your own person with your own interests, hobbies and responsibilities. Caring for another individual, undoubtedly, will hamper your ability to engage in various activities. And while you may no longer be able to schedule a weekend getaway, it doesn't mean time for yourself shouldn't be arranged. Whether it is finding time for coffee/drinks with some friends, a few hours to watch a movie or going for a nearby stroll, the goal is to allow allow yourself some time to "recharge" and temporarily "escape" from the situation. While I recognize the above suggestions are "easier said than done," they are being said with the purpose of, at least, serving as a reminder of how important you and your health is to providing the best care to your loved one and ultimately yourself. Have you found a way to ease your caregiving responsibilities? How do you regain the strength you need to continue caring for your loved one? If so, please share your thoughts below. Improve my self-esteem? Be more positive and less stressed? Work on my personal relationship(s)? The list can go on and on. Regardless of what is on your Resolution list, it is important to remember there are certain aspects that must hold true in order to increase your chances of success and reduce the likelihood of failing to achieve your goals/desires for this year. 1). It Must Come From You- many of our intentions for change originate from good places but they are not often our own. In many cases, they can be other people's recommendations or beliefs of what we should look like, how we should be living our life and/or what type of relationship we should be in. And while you may want to pursue such changes, unless you truly have the desire to embark on the journey for yourself, the chances of success can be minimal. Therefore, make sure your goal is what YOU really want and is something you are doing because YOU want to achieve. 2). You Must Have a Plan - Once you identify what YOU want to work on, you then have to decide how to get there. Devising a plan can make the attainment of your goal much more reachable. For instance, if your goal is to improve your relationship(s), then sit down with a pen and paper and begin listing what specifically you want to improve, why it needs improving, and how you can do so. Essentially, you want to outline the steps you need to take so as to achieve your goal. Depending on your goal, this step can be difficult. Should you find yourself stuck, consider reaching out to family, friends or a professional to help you focus and create a plan. 3) You Will Need Perseverance - Any aspiration worth attaining usually takes "blood, sweat and tears." In other words, hard work, dedication and sacrifice are generally necessary attributes to achieving success. Hence, why the first two points are extremely important. When things get tough, when you find yourself exhausted and want to quit, refer back to your reason for pursuing your goal(s) and review your plan of action. Doing so can help reignite your spirit and give you some more energy to continue forward. Whether you are trying to lose weight, trying to improve your personal relationship or want to enhance who you are as a person, the above steps can be beneficial to achieving success. Do you have other recommendations you would like to share about this topic? Please share them below. As the Holiday season begins, many individuals tend to look forward to the thought of being around family and friends, celebrating traditions, and/or shorter work weeks. Some individuals, however, can find this time of year, anxiety-provoking, depressing and emotionally exhausting. Holidays often equate to engaging in family-oriented gatherings, which depending on family dynamics, can result in increased anxiety for some individuals. Worrying about mom's approval of a new partner, wondering whether dad will continue to express his disappointment with your career choice, or stressing about your sibling(s) willingness to understand how much help you really need with caring for your parents, are a few examples of situations that can provoke anxiety thereby causing a person to dread the holiday season. This time of year can also be depressing for individuals who lack familial support, are not involved in a significant relationship or are going through a life-hardship that prevents them from celebrating the season as they would like. And while they may choose to not celebrate, commercial advertisements and/or innocent questions like, "What are you doing for the holiday?" etc., can serve as a reminder of what they don't have thus causing a negative association with the holiday. Last but not least, emotional exhaustion is a common feeling many individuals experience during this time of year. Sometimes the mere thought of all the planning, traveling and socializing a person will have to engage in, is enough to bring about a "cloud of gloom." In other cases, memory of last year's disorder, dysfunction or drama can serve as a blockade to feeling cheerful about celebrating this year. With all of that said, it is important to be aware of your feelings during this time of year and to not let it get the best of your ability to function. Talking with friends and family you trust and/or with a therapist about how you truly feel can help you get to the bottom of what you are experiencing, learn ways to resolve it and hopefully make next year's holiday season a more cheerful one. Do you tend to experience any of the above when the holiday season approaches? If so, how do you deal with it? Please share your thoughts below. Every so often, I come across an article written by a family caregiver who understands the stress that come with caring for a loved one and is able to share their experience, in a way I feel, could help other individuals caring for a loved one. Below is a post from a family caregiver who cares for his father and is also a Professional Coach. I hope you find the post helpful and welcome you to share your thoughts, concerns and questions below. What if my usually nice loved one becomes grumpy and confused? ~ A Michael Bloom This is probably one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving to deal with and is especially common when families are touched by Alzheimer's disease or dementia. After my father was struck with vascular dementia and lost all short-term memory, I dealt with the challenges associated with his temper tantrums that were directly linked to his confusion. Prior to his illness, my father operated in a very calm, logical, and predictable way. He was a chemist and organization was extremely important to him. I can recall thinking at times that he was a bit too regimented with activities although his way of operating provided our family with much comfort and security. Once struck by dementia, my father would request to go home (while sitting in his living room) as the sun went down. This phenomenon of confusion at that time of day is called "sun- downing." The episodes could be extremely frustrating and I grew to miss those days when he operated as an organized, "control freak." The other significant time of day that led to confusion was when he woke up around 3 or 4 a.m. most nights and got dressed to take the train to school (something he did decades earlier when he attended college). In order to survive these moments of confusion and not worry about my father leaving the house overnight in the freezing cold to seek a nearby train stop that did not exist, I did a few things. First, I alarmed the doors so I would be awakened if he managed to open a door before I woke up. He actually did it once and it worked. We both got quite a jolt from that experience. After scaling the stairs in about 3 leaps, I found my Dad standing in the doorway with his mouth opened in shock and horror. If the situation had not been so frightening, I might have found his expression to be humorous. The second strategy happened most every night. I would hear him get up and dressed. Instead of arguing with him about the fact that he was retired and did not need to go to school or work, I played into his fantasy. At times, he would think I was his father so I would act like it was our usual routine. I even prepared him a breakfast before he was planning to leave for school. Once he got through the meal, he typically forgot that he wanted to leave and would go to a comfortable chair in front of the television and would start dozing. At about 8 a.m., he would join my mother and me for a second breakfast and we would go about the day. Even with my best efforts, there were times when I was unable to navigate peacefully through my father's confusion. This would lead to his yelling and very uncharacteristic name-calling. The key to surviving those hurtful and heart-wrenching moments was to remember how much love, respect, and support my father had always shown me. It was very sad that the person I was dealing with was a shell of who my father used to be. Fortunately, I was able to take comfort in the moments when he looked at me with a smile. During those special caregiving moments, I knew that the man I had loved and looked up to my entire life was somewhere deep inside that fog of confusion. Practice Tip: Continue to show your caregiving patience when your loved one acts up during periods of anger or confusion. Make sure you take moments of space for yourself. Also, find a trusted friend or family member to share your feelings with so you can process and release them. Otherwise, your frustrations will build and burst your stress balloon which can lead to you lashing out or saying something you might regret. Even if that happens, just apologize, seek forgiveness, and move forward. After all, we are human and deserving of forgiveness. Certified Professional Coach and Caregiving Without Regret™ Expert A. Michael Bloom has helped to revitalize the careers of hundreds of family and professional caregivers with practical, tactical soul-saving coping strategies and supports them in saving lives, including their own. With a wealth of practical expertise as both a family and professional caregiver, Michael serves as a welcome and sought-after catalyst to guide caregivers and health and human services leaders to stay energized and committed to work that has never been more important or vital than it is today. Preview Michael’s new book, "The Accidental Caregiver’s Survival Guide: Your Roadmap to Caregiving Without Regret," at http://www.theaccidentalcaregiverssurvivalguide.com. To learn more about Michael and his services, visit www.bloomforcoach.com. Many of us have heard of Alzheimer's disease and for some of us, we are experiencing it first hand. Below is a blog post from a colleague, Janet Kuebler - Owner of Right at Home of Somerset and Hunterdon Counties - who wrote her recent blog about wandering. For family caregivers whose loved one has Alzheimer's disease, wandering can be a common and stressful concern. I hope you find this post informative and invite you to share your thoughts and questions below. Prevent Dementia Patients From Wandering The Alzheimer’s Association reports that as many as 60 percent of people with dementia, a condition with decreased memory or mental ability, will wander and may get lost. Alzheimer’s disease, stroke, head injuries and other health issues that involve dementia can all lead patients to stroll away from familiar surroundings. Wandering is preventable with the right safeguards in place. Specific wandering risk signs to watch for include:
Janet Kuebler is the Owner of Right at Home of Somerset and Hunterdon Counties, an agency that provides care and assistance for the elderly and disabled adults. As a Certified Senior Advisor, Certified Dementia Practitioner and facilitator for the Virtual Dementia Tour, she helps families care for their elderly loved ones. After providing care for family members, Janet recognized that aging is often difficult and families may need help providing care. Right at Home develops a customized care plan ranging from a little help around the house to daily medical attention and personal hygiene. Care is available on an hourly, overnight or live-in basis. Janet is a member of the Hunterdon County Senior Healthcare Coalition, the Hunterdon Regional Ethics Committee, the United Way Caregiver Coalition and the Somerset County Providers Network. Janet can be reached at 908-281-7961 or janetk@rah-wcnj.com. Visit her website at www.westcentralnj.rightathome.net. Caring for a loved one can bring a whole new set of responsibilities and stress, especially if your loved one is dependent on you for assistance with his/her daily needs. Throughout my years of working in the field of Geriatrics, I've learned about various devices and supplies that can help make caregiving more manageable and potentially less stressful. Below is a brief list of some items you may want to consider to help your loved one feel more independent while also reducing the amount of stress you may be experiencing. Medication Boxes, Reminders or Dispensers - While there are a variety of products available to help ensure your loved one takes his/her medication(s), most generally fall into three categories - pill boxes, medication reminders and medication dispensers. Pill boxes come in a variety of shapes and sizes and generally allow individuals to sort their medication(s) according to day of the week and time of day. Medication reminders can come in the form of an alarm or a service whereby individuals are contacted and reminded to take their medications. Medication dispensers allow individuals to organize and pre-set a time for medications to be dispensed. To learn more about managing your loved one's medications, click here. Incontinence Products - Products like bladder control pads, absorbent undergarments, and protective underpads can reduce the stress and work of repeatedly washing soiled laundry. Placing underpads on your loved one's bed, chair and/or wheelchair can also save a lot of time and embarassment. Incontinence products can be purchased at a local pharmacy as well as a local Medical supply store. Personal Emergency Response Systems (PERS)- a PERS can help alleviate worry associated with falling. Generally speaking, PERS is a button that can be worn around the neck or wrist. In the event, a loved one is in need of medical attention and unable to get to a phone, a PERS allows them to contact 911 with a simple touch of a button. While prices vary, a PERS system generally entails paying for the installation of the device along with a monthly service fee. Conducting an internet search, speaking with your loved one's physician or visiting your local pharmacy are a few ways to find information about PERS. Hearing Amplifiers - Hearing amplifiers increase the volume of what an individual is listening to. While not meant to substitue a hearing aide, amplifiers can help an individual who solely wants to amplify the sound in their environment as opposed to improving a hearing impairment. Amplifiers can be purchased for devices like a telephone and television. They can generally be purchased from local electronic stores. Before purchasing an amplifier, however, it is important to have your loved oned evaluated for hearing loss to ensure an amplifier will not cause damage. Overall, there are many products and devices that can help reduce caregiver stress while also increasing your loved one's sense of independence and self-reliance. Do you have any recommendations on other types of products you have personally used as a family caregiver? Please comment below. |
Christine M. ValentinAs a licensed clinical social worker, I help individuals caring for a loved one reduce feelings of anxiety, depression and stress. This blog is meant to share with you, many of the suggestions I recommend to many family caregivers. Sign up to receive them directly. Archives
July 2020
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